PIcking up steam

I'm finally getting close to getting a solid job and thus, paying down debts/acquiring new ones, etc. I'm getting older and I am stuck wondering what to do, get healthy, live more conservatively, or just enjoy being how and what I am. Relationships seem to be on an egg timer, DING!, it's done, so long, time to move on to the next fool. Am I already too old to get all I wanted from life? And what is that exactly?  How much longer until I have to take care of my parents? Will I ever be able to retire, or go to the doctor, dentists, and get rubber fingers inserted in my ass and cold stares from xray machines; hours of staring at old, boring magazines about Diabetes and Dog breeding in a smelly cramped waiting room half full of children, half full of old walking corpses with dulled pain in their eyes.  Stay or Move? Is it too late to relocate out of this Mid Western Cultural suck hole?

Our brother Poverty (Take 1)

I've found you in the trailer park, and in the City,
You've been in the country and I've even found you creeping into that sacred american institution the suburb.


I smell you brother,
Smoke and piss and oil,
Greasy food and hair grease.
Decomposing refuse and damp, moldy corners are your perfume.

I hear you out there brother,
in the wind as it whistles through the windows, doors and siding.
In the sirens of night and the screams of baby mamas and their babies.
In the catcalls and posturing, I hear you.
In the chatter of jaded schoolkids and in the incessant barking of neglected dogs.
I hear you brother, as you whisper sweet nothings about affordable payment plans and the life luxurious.

I see you brother,
You sometimes hide but I know where to find you,      
In church with your best outfit,
and on the bus fiddling with your newest smart phone.
In the mall and at the corner store,
at shoe sales in fancy boutiques,
and at the gun show hunched on the backs of broken men.
In the confident and pathetic smiles of salespeople and the fervorous demands of children in checkout lanes across the world, I see you.

I see you in my features and I hear you in my voice.
I cannot get you out of me,
 not with makeovers
 or shopping sprees,
PhD's and multiculturalism don't stop you from creeping out my lips after I've had a few beers.

I can't wash your scent from me no matter how hard I try.
Not with soap or cologne,
Not sex or dope or those fancy plug in air fresheners can cover up your stench and let me forget that you, my brother, are always with me.



.

back to the grind

There's a soul crushing element to job searching. Years of ego boosting school and decades of adults blowing smoke up your ass about your 'limitless potential' does a poor job of preparing you for the reality of todays job market. You aren't qualified for a decent job, and can only do menial jobs for so long without devaluing you self worth. I am not exasperated yet, but if I dont find a worthwhile pursuit soon, I'm going Point Break.

HSN and why TV pisses me off...

There are few programs on TV that illicit an emotional response from me. I find it hard to turn away from the 'freak shows' like Hoarders, Intervention, Addicted, all the crazy deformities on TLC (that fucking tumor face fella) but I wouldn't say they make me feel anything. 'Toddlers and Tiaras' and whatever the hell the other little girl pageant show is the most enraging thing I've ever seen. Those dumb, obnoxious mothers are creating little monsters. I'd love to see the mothers physically mauled by badgers, or having their children removed from their care. The christian networks are also sure to piss me off, not just because I don't believe, but because they pray on peoples faith. Goddamn faith water, and holy mats, or prayer books, or worse, the ones who just flat out ask you to send them money. Benny Hinn and the rest of his crew deserve prosecution. The news is a wash because both sides are so biased its hard to take any network at its word. The most depressing thing on, by far, is the home shopping network. Over priced, low quality housewares, jewelry and cosmetics, everything a depressed, bored, ill-informed consumer could want. If you don't shop on them I doubt you've ever watched more than 30 seconds of their programming, mistake. The hosts of these 'shows' are insane!! Its all just marketing babble, they are saying NOTHING! They just talk about a Chinese POS and improvise its 'qualities'. 30 min on gold plated necklaces, or a blender. They sell you on professionalism, and elegance, and cleanliness and technology. Fucking pathetic. It saddens me on such a deep level that so many people are home watching this, and buying in.

So, we'll be in Afghanistan until at least 2014....another failed promise by my president. DADT had better pass or I might be forced to not vote in 2012 (gasp!) With Guantanamo still up and running, no public option, a pair of bailouts and a tax compromise which benefits no one I know personally, I am very disappointed in Obama. I knew he was promising more than he could deliver, but you have to deliver something. I suppose my disillusionment might be related to my financial difficulties, but even if i was flush with cash, I think his failures are beginning to stack up.

Self centered prick

I've never thought of myself as a selfish person, though I've certainly been called such by many people. Most of these people have been women, it started with my Mother, and then a successive line of significant others, and every once in awhile a drinking buddy will remind me of a long forgotten instance where my selfishness reared its ugly head. I'm not convinced I'm selfish, but I will acquiesce to being very self centered. The differences amongst the two are not negligible. For example; A selfish person goes to a pizza parlor with an acquaintance, they order a large pizza and two sodas. The selfish person will eat as quickly as possible, and eat more than he really needs to, just to make satisfy his need to 'get more/ have more'. I'm not that person in the least. If I go to Pizza parlor with someone, and we split a pie, I couldn't care less who gets more slices; just so long as I'm full and the toppings, crust abd sauce are to my liking. I'm particularly concerned with my own well being...but so what? Is that really such a bad thing? Self preservation is more than just getting the bare minimum needed to survive, it's also making sure you get what you need out of life; be it spiritually, financially, sexually, whatever. Make yourself happy before you worry about the happiness of others. I think you can do that without inhibiting other people from getting their 'fair share'. This comes up as I recently had a pair of online conversations with a few ex girlfriends who, I must admit, made me feel pretty crummy about myself. I did treat them harshly, and I was more concerned with making sure I was happy than I was with making them happy, but in the long run, I think we all do that. People who strive to be selfless, do it because to do so, and act so, gives them a sense of satisfaction. (maybe a sense of moral superiority) They do it, because it makes them feel good, otherwise they wouldn't do it...so really we aren't any different, I just don't feel the need to act as though anothers welfare is more important than my own...it's not.

Gettting it done

It's so easy to write random BS on a pad, but when you try to combine all that creative BS into a single story, or even put the images into order in your head, it gets real. I've been trying to write a screenplay for about two months now, and from day one I knew the entire story, but I keep getting sidetracked with images and backstory..wish me luck...I sorely need it.